“I can’t believe you’re finally here,” my seven-year-old niece tells me as I open the passenger door. She seems shy, almost shocked at the sight of me after two years apart, and I pull her in for a hug. Her hair is the longest it’s ever been, no more bangs, gathered in a haphazard ponytail. She’s taller, but other than that she’s the same. Just as I remembered. I’m surprised at how relieved I am.
We go hiking with my family. She wears a bright pink bucket hat and a leopard-print sweater, and we get a good laugh out of it—this little Aries in her very Aries outfit. The trail is difficult and at the end of it she’s exhausted, on the verge of tears. I am proud of her for powering through. “Now you know you can do it,” I tell her.
She is curious and hilarious and super smart. We watch We Bare Bears on YouTube and she asks me if I find it weird that Ice Bear is the youngest yet the most serious. I tell her I didn’t even know Ice Bear was the youngest, that I thought it was Panda. She says, “Yeah, Ice Bear’s the youngest.” Then she pauses and studies me. She asks, “Who did you think was the oldest? I mean what did you think was the order?” For some reason I am touched that she wants to understand so she can help me set things straight. “I thought it was Grizz, then Ice, then Panda,” I tell her. She smiles and says, “Oh, you just have to switch the last two. But you were right about Grizz. You got that part right.”
We share snacks and stories and pillows and blankets. To her delight I let her try my strawberry hand cream, a bit of gloss. I hug her as much as I can and she doesn’t squirm, not yet. I’m surprised at how relieved I am.
The day after Christmas, when it is time to say goodbye, she says, “At least we had fun.” Then she starts crying, big, fat tears streaming down her face. Her mom hands her a tissue. I tell her I’ll see her again soon. She is still swiping at her eyes when we pull out of the driveway.
Things that happened this year:
1. My husband and I packed up our life and moved to a new house. The floors are dark and shiny, and the light always finds a way in. We get a view of the sunset every day, lots of trees, people walking in pairs. It felt like home right away.
2. Work consumed me and I let it. Many times I cried in front of my computer, but for different reasons. Frustration or anger or fear or disappointment. It was overwhelming and disheartening until it wasn’t. I am learning what I can.
3. My friends saved me and I let them. Many times, many ways, and for different reasons. With poetry afternoons or a bottle of wine or a day by the ocean or a Telegram message or a noisy, messy meal. I hope in my own way I’ve saved them too.
“I can’t believe you’re finally here.”
“Now you know you can do it.”
“You got that part right.”
“At least we had fun.”
Happy last-days-of-2021, everyone ♡
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Happy last days of 2021, Ms. Marla. 💖